Saturday, June 27, 2009

confessions, pt. 1

And yet again I haven't been around much. This telling the truth is hard. I've started numerous posts that have been scrapped because they didn't sound true to my jaded ears. It's sad when you don't believe yourself.

Also, there's been plenty of fucking up lately - and did I really want to share that? I guess I do, because here it is. I've been messing around with a man who is in a relationship. The messing around has encompassed hours and hours on the phone, emails and two nights in my bed. I am the Argentinian other woman. Except he isn't the married Governor of my ex-state and I'm not from Argentina.

The thing is that I don't feel guilty about this. I kind of feel guilty about my lack of guilt - if that makes any sense... Mostly I just get pissy when I want to hang out with him and can't because he's with his girlfriend.

I have never been the other woman before. I've never sympathized with the complexity of the situation and I don't even really now. What I'm doing is wrong. I know that. I just can't seem to care.

And I don't like him all that much. He is massively arrogant with no real reason to be. He's good in bed and he makes me laugh, but I don't trust him. So the real question is - what the hell am I doing? Why am I sharing my bed and my body with a man that I don't particularly like or trust? Is it something about him? I doubt it. About me? More likely. So what? Am I really just this lonely or am I punishing my self for something?

Or, am I actually the kind of woman who takes whatever she wants even when she shouldn't?


Intrepidblackman said...

You are wrong and you know it. You should stop and you know it. At this point you have to make a decision on what sort of person you want to be.

G said...

Intrepid - I agree with you. I do have a questions though - do you think that this one thing would define the person that I am?

Anonymous said...

No single relationship or action (or even a small bunch of them) defines you as a person, G.

Now, as to the rightness or wrongness of this.

Some thoughts:

You are clearly in it to get some kind of pleasure. You don't like him much, you don't seem to want to keep him. You are obviously enjoying yourself on some level. I suspect that sums up why you're doing this.

You probably should care more about what you are doing in relation to the other woman, but then again, so should he. You're not the sole insigator here.

And, not to let you off the hook or anything (because I'm not), but there is also a world of difference between messing with a guy who's got another girlfriend (which as I read this is what you are doing) vs. messing with a married man (which is more fucked up).

I would advise you, if you want advice, that is, to log away the pleasant memories you've garnered from this, end the relationship, and work toward connecting with someone (a) available, (b) who will treat you right and (c) whom you will treat right.

It's not easy, but it is possible. The question is how do you managed the loneliness in between? I don't have an answer to that.

Anonymous said...

OK, I don't understand this OpenID thing, obviously. G, holyhell is Deacon Blue; not sure why it displays the way it did. said...

Hi there!

I am surprised that you haven't posted about Michael Jackson...

I'll be back...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think the most surprising thing about this confession is that you say you don't trust him. Why on earth would you trust a man who is cheating on two women simultaneously?

I don't believe that any one act defines a person. We are all far more complex than that. He seems to answer some need you have, loneliness or boredom.

Your lack of guilt is probably because you know that if he really cared for his girlfriend, he wouldn't be in your bed, or someone else's.

He may be good in bed, but he sounds like a lousy person. You deserve better but you won't find it while you're involved with this guy. Good luck!

Susan said...

So I just realized you moved. I'm catching up on reading and this was one I had to comment on (The one above is just too heartbreaking at the moment to comment)...

I have been the other woman repeatedly. This past April it actually went to the point of no return with someone and it's something I'm still not sure how I feel about to this day. As the other woman in situations I can related with the lack of feeling guilt. Seriously, I can. I partially think it's due to my mindset of "everything happens for a reason" or maybe "if he was happy with her he wouldn't be here with me". The April incident, though, made me stop and think. While he was around anyone else he did nothing but talk about his wife and their child. When he was with me he talked about nothing but us doing what we'd done again. I'll see him again in a little over a month.

Even though I'm kind of seeing someone now I'm terrified of what might happen when we're together again.

G said...

I get it Susan.
I've stopped seeing him. It was never anything serious, but it felt like I was being used and at some point I just wasn't lonely enough to let that happen anymore, you know?

When you see him you'll remember that you are strong and that you can never take back the things you do. AND that I love you no matter what you do.