Saturday, June 27, 2009

confessions, pt. 1

And yet again I haven't been around much. This telling the truth is hard. I've started numerous posts that have been scrapped because they didn't sound true to my jaded ears. It's sad when you don't believe yourself.

Also, there's been plenty of fucking up lately - and did I really want to share that? I guess I do, because here it is. I've been messing around with a man who is in a relationship. The messing around has encompassed hours and hours on the phone, emails and two nights in my bed. I am the Argentinian other woman. Except he isn't the married Governor of my ex-state and I'm not from Argentina.

The thing is that I don't feel guilty about this. I kind of feel guilty about my lack of guilt - if that makes any sense... Mostly I just get pissy when I want to hang out with him and can't because he's with his girlfriend.

I have never been the other woman before. I've never sympathized with the complexity of the situation and I don't even really now. What I'm doing is wrong. I know that. I just can't seem to care.

And I don't like him all that much. He is massively arrogant with no real reason to be. He's good in bed and he makes me laugh, but I don't trust him. So the real question is - what the hell am I doing? Why am I sharing my bed and my body with a man that I don't particularly like or trust? Is it something about him? I doubt it. About me? More likely. So what? Am I really just this lonely or am I punishing my self for something?

Or, am I actually the kind of woman who takes whatever she wants even when she shouldn't?